Test Drive Meme #0

[coboservice]

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Legend has it that the god Henir endured Ragnarok, and afterwards created a place where there is no limitation of time and space. Here, she is able to see the rise and fall of the world. Should you reach this place, by Henir's force, you are bound to face the enemies you have met in the past and those you are destined to meet in the future.

Henir's Time And Space

You awake into darkness, surrounded by impossible geometry and an unnerving thrum that fills the cold air. Strange shapes move in the distance, drifting between labyrinthine paths that bend and twist into an endless, senseless maze. Gravity seems to be merely a suggestion, and you'll quickly find that any surface is fine for walking on—sideways, upsidedown, it doesn't matter as long as you're not thinking too hard about it. In a world of raw chaos, the only rule that matters is your willingness to press on. Just don't step too carelessly—one wrong move, and you could end up spinning down (up?) into an endless abyss, lost forever in time and space.

The air is cold, and the longer you stay here the more it feels like that chill will never leave... this isn't a place where mortals should be. Regardless of how you arrived in this place, you'd best make your way back out soon.


... but you're not alone in this alien world. There are others here like yourself, and it never hurts to have a few allies in a strange place like this.

There are also a number of strange... objects? Creatures? Monsters? Whatever you want to call them, they're not terribly friendly and "speak" only in terrifying, unnatural screeches. They seem territorial, which is a problem in a world where space itself follows no logical sense. At least they seem to lose interest once a target it out of their sights(?), and they can be killed(??) if you hit them enough times with something sharp or heavy... if you can't defend yourself, it's better to just keep your distance. There's a lot of sharp edges on those weird things, they seem to be fully aware of that fact.


Somewhere off in the distance you can hear a whale-like cry, followed by a giant shadow that flies past too quickly to see... that one, you probably shouldn't try to fight.

Walking In Circles, Squares And Triangles

No matter which way you go, you never seem to make any progress in finding a way out... and eventually, even the senseless scenery starts to look familiar again. You're not going to get anywhere just by looking around.

But it's on this second pass through that you finally stumble upon something new. Seated comfortably in the middle of the path is a strange man in an iron mask, bound in rusted chains. He is holding... a very dainty tea cup, which appears to be completely empty. He looks up as you approach, waving in a friendly manner.

Mysterious Masked Man

Ah, there you are! I was starting to wonder if you'd died already. Come, come, take a seat. You must be tired from all that running around!

You're an adventurer, aren't you? Yes? No? Ah, well, it's never too late to start! Don't worry about the details. Hmm, let me try a different question... you want to leave this place, don't you? Henir's Time and Space isn't exactly friendly to ones like yourself. Besides, it's starting to get a little... crowded, one might say. I think it'd be beneficial to all of us if you and your little friends went somewhere else, don't you agree?

Kukuku, that's more like it. Why don't we make a deal? You do something for me, and I'll see to it that you can escape this place in one piece. That's fair, don't you think?

Hmm? Who am I? Oh, no one important! Not anymore, that is. You can call me Glave. Come find me again when you're ready. I'll gladly put you to work.

Introduce yourself to the locals!

"You see those shape-like creatures over there? They're not the best for conversation, but you could say they're the natives of this world. The long ones are called Chaos Triangle, and the ones that spin in place are Chaos Circle and Chaos Square. Why don't you start by introducing yourself? Of course, they respond best to acts of extreme violence, so you'd best go in prepared. When you're done playing, bring me back the core of each one and I'll give you something good." • Defeat Chaos Triangle, Chaos Circle and Chaos Square. • They're not the toughest of enemies to fight... but they can still smack you pretty hard, they have sharp edges, and they don't like strangers. You can't reason with them and they don't seem to understand speech. Also, the Triangles skitter. It's kind of creepy. • After striking the final blow, the Chaos creatures will collapse into their polygonal components and leave behind their core (a sphere, cube, or pyramid). Bring back one of each to Glave to complete this quest.

I didn't lose my marbles, but...

"You're not much of a fighter, are you? Or maybe you're just pretending so you can get the easier job... kukuku, who am I to judge? Very well, not everything requires brute force to accomplish. Let's see... well, I did happen to drop something earlier. A pair of blue cubes, about an inch across each side. I think it was somewhere... oh, maybe over there? I'm busy at the moment, so how about you find them for me?" • Find Glave's two missing cubes. • His directions are awful to the point of being useless, and they blend in with all the other glowing blue surfaces around here. This might actually be impossible, but try your best. • Was this a trick to make you go away while he bothered someone else? ... maybe! But hey, it wouldn't hurt to try, right? There's tons of blue cubes just floating around, so maybe you can just find a pair that's almost the same...

To submit quest results, please leave a comment here.

Lamp Oil? Rope? Bombs?

Glave's offer is tempting, if suspicious, but he's not the only one who seems familiar with this place. Somewhere deeper in the endless maze is another such person, standing at the centre of a wide platform bereft of monsters or chaos-creatures... a rest area, if you will. The woman smiles, checking something off on the long scroll in her hands.

Mysterious Woman

Welcome! I'm Helen. We sell necessities for travellers... oh, I'm sorry. Normally I only sell items for ED, but these are trying times. It's alright, let me see what you have and we'll work something out.

Leaving this place? I'm afraid that's outside of my control. I'm just a simple travelling merchant. You'd be better off trying to convince someone like Glave. He can be a bit troublesome, but he's not so bad once you get to know him.

Who would say no to free samples?

"Since you're helping Glave, why don't you take a couple of my potions? It's bad for business if my customers get hurt. If you give one of them to someone else, I'll consider that a favour to myself. Let me know how it goes, and I'll see what I can do to make Glave see reason." • Find a traveller in need and give them a healing potion! It tastes like Tylenol, but it sure does work. • Or just lie. Drink both of them yourself! What's the worst that could happen? • Show Helen that everyone is working hard to escape and she'll knock some sense into Glave.

You can't go to Elrios without a bit of whaling.

"Actually... there is something else you could help me with. I run a fishing business on the side, you see, and I've heard tales of a great Leviathan that roams this space. I've always wondered if other fish might've ended up here as well. I'll let you have this rod, and if you find anything that looks like a fish, let me know." • Go fishing... in space!! • There is no water here, it only kind of looks stupid. • If you keep at it for long enough, you might actually fish something up... or maybe you'll just hook one of the Chaos creatures. Try not to get killed! • What is that whale sound, anyway? Maybe you can bait it out...?

To submit quest results, please leave a comment here.

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free samples!

[gentilitea]

[ Clearing his throat and crossing his arms— ]

I don’t care whether you’re going to drink it or not, but you may agonize over it somewhere else instead of loitering about in here. Some of us have pressing business with Helen, after all.

[ Not helping his case, however, is the fact that there are a handful of homemade sweets tucked away in his pockets. His master has quite the sweet tooth, after all. ]

[snackspls]

Oh! Sorry!

[ She goes to move before remembering that she's meant to bow when apologizing. So she does so quickly before stepping out of the way.

But oh? What's this smell? She gives a sniff to the air and confirms it's not just her imagination. It must be coming from this man! She fixes him with a stare, looking like she might just start to drool. ]

[gentilitea]

[ He gives her a Look. He’s seen that expression before and knows what it’s like.

He sighs. ]

I don’t give handouts. If you want these scrumptious butter cookies which I have painstakingly baked with the finest of ingredients then you will have to work for them.

[snackspls]

Butter cookies?

[ She's never had one of those before! Or at least, she doesn't think she has. Whatever they may be they smell heavenly though,
and she's more than willing to do something to give them a try. ]

I'd be happy to work for them! Oh just... Unless it's handing out a free sample. I've already got something to hand out already you see.

[gentilitea]

[ Hmph. He’d only intended to scold her and be on his way, but come to think of it… ]

No, no. Nothing of the sort.

[ He’s still saddled with some of Helen’s own potions, so… ]

But you seem to have a rather talented nose. Perhaps I might be persuaded to part with my extremely delicious baked goods [ does he really need to brag ] in return for a small task…

[snackspls]

[ Extremely delicious! Oh she can almost taste them already, she's ready for any task! ]

Of course! What do you need? If I can help, I'll do so gladly!

[gentilitea]

I’m looking for someone.

[ Are they really doing this? Even he can’t quite believe that it’s happening, not when he does so hate to ask for help from others.

But there’s an annoying manchild in danger out there, and he can’t waste another precious moment. ]

I’m looking for a person called Add, otherwise known as the god “Henir.” If I give you an article of this, do you think you’d be able to track him down through his scent?

[snackspls]

[ She's only ever tracked the scent of one person, but it can't be too different from one to the next. She nods. ]

I'd be happy to try. Though, if they're a god do they have a scent? I've never met a god myself.

[ Her mother had been given offerings like a minor god, but that didn't make her one. It just meant getting some tasty food when the people left if they happened to bring edible offerings. ]

[gentilitea]

Even he was mortal once.

[ Not to mention that some of his inventions are at least apt to leave a scent on him.

But never mind that right now. He reaches into his coat pocket, and fishes out a little bag tied with a ribbon. It’s filled with the aforesaid butter cookies, all shaped like cats and meticulously iced in various different colors. And they are, indeed, tasty, for Jakob takes a lot of pride in his work as a butler. ]

Here.

[ He tosses the little bag at her. ]

[snackspls]

[ She catches the bag with a wide-and-starry eyed expression, like he's just casually given her a bar of solid gold. ]

But- I haven't even found him yet!

[ She looks between him and the cookies, doing her best to not just pull the bag open and eat them right now. She's never been given a reward before finishing a task before. ]

[gentilitea]

Just so you know, I intend to make you work for every bite you take. But I can’t have you passing out from hunger before we can find him.

[ A scoff, because he really has to be snooty about this. Last thing he needs is for people to think he actually cares or something, ugh. ]

Besides, that is not even my best batch.

[snackspls]

Of course!

[ In an incredible display of self restraint (for her), she manages to take only a single cookie out to sample. Her reaction to the flavor is instant and overjoyous, rocking in place just a bit and holding a hand to her chest. ]

I've never had anything like this before! And you can make them even tastier?

[ In truth, she had only been expecting or willing to ask for a single taste, but now she's pulling out another to devour. ]

[gentilitea]

[ Earnest, isn’t she? It’s almost aggravating how easy it is to get her to do his bidding. Under normal circumstances he would have never tried to approach her at all, but…

He can’t even remember the last time he’s had a truly normal day. Not when you have a master who loves to meddle with timespace.

Still, it’s nice to be appreciated. ]

Hmph, of course I can. Making the most luxurious desserts is child’s play for Henir’s top [ read: only ] butler.

[snackspls]

[ Now there's a word she's never heard before. She just barely manages to be mindful enough to speak between bites instead of during. ]

A butler? So that's what you are?

[ And now she's finished the second cookie, and seems to have enjoyed it just as much as the first. ]

And butlers make things like butter cookies?

[gentilitea]

[ Luckily her self-control has managed to save her from getting a terrible scolding about her manners.

He even seems to brighten up a little at the chance to brag talk about his profession. ]

Oh, we do more than that. Butlers must be capable of running households, serving their masters hand and foot, and taking care of any little problems they might have. Such as, say, a mortal enemy…

[ He maybe has a really exaggerated view of what butlers are supposed to be. ]

Of course, it’s much more complicated than all of that, but suffice it to say that we live to serve.

[snackspls]

[ Since she has no concept of butlers, she can't call out his exaggerated view. Instead, it's now become what she believes to be completely true. ]

That's a lot of responsibility! You must be very important.

[ And if these cookies and their potentially even more tasty brethren are anything to go by? Indispensable in her mind. ]

[gentilitea]

Hmph, I suppose my services are indeed quite indispensable.

[ Congrats, Fubuki, you’ve somehow managed to put him in a good mood??? Pray that it’ll last, though. ]

[snackspls]

[ Since she's eaten about half the cookies now, she summons her will power to save the rest for later. She shouldn't take advantage of someone's kindness! ]

So this Addnir should be here somewhere?

[ As a reassuring first step, she's already misremembered his name. But to be fair, those cookies smelled really good! ]

[gentilitea]

[ …Oh well, good things aren’t meant to last, anyway. ]

You will refer to him as either “Add” or “Henir.” Anything else and he might try to run away out of spite.

[ Or angrily teleport in front of them to correct her. It’s hard to tell which, sometimes, but Jakob prefers to err on the side of caution.

At least he isn’t too pissed about this? ]

Now, are you ready?

[snackspls]

Add or Henir. Got it!

[ She mouths it to herself a few times to really drill it in. She can't let Jakob down! ]

Ready!

Oh. But...

If I find him and he does run away, should I chase him?

[ She's uncertain about whether or not it's disrespectful to play tag with a god. ]

[gentilitea]

[ That gives him pause. ]

Well…I wouldn’t advise it…

[ Add absolutely does need to be chased down, but he also has teleportation powers. Annoying. ]

Let me negotiate with him first. With any luck, we’ll all come out of this unscathed.

[snackspls]

Unscathed? Do you think he'll start a fight!?

[ Not that she can't hold her own, she's actually pretty skilled. But against a god? ]

[gentilitea]

No, but he’ll certainly throw a tantrum.

[ Which is just as bad. ]

But you needn’t worry. I’ll take care of him when that happens. Your role in all this is over the moment he is found.

[snackspls]

Got it!

[ Not that she's very keen on just leaving him to potentially fight on his own. But he's the god's butler! And he doesn't seem too worried about it either. ]

I'm ready whenever you are then.

[gentilitea]

Very well.

[ And with all the dignity he can muster, he pulls out a pair of fine knitted mittens with little cat faces on them. They’re very obnoxiously cute.

Handing them over to her— ]

I’ve recently had these washed, but some of his scent might still linger…